Ahhhhhhhh!

Now that I got that out…I feel better.

But not much.

I really thought I’d be able to sustain the blogging thing while I wait for the church thing to be resolved, but I’m not doing so hot at it. That’s the beauty of me—the deeper the emotions connected to an issue, the less likely it is that I’ll be able to write about it. Were it not for a friend who dragged me to the friendly neighborhood noisy Starbucks, I wouldn’t even get this on the page.

I knew in my mind this would be hard—watching my priest and his wife endure vicious rumors and endless difficulties with the hierarchs, finding myself on the outside of a physical church building I had grown to love as a place of comfort and safety, and waiting for our next step to materialize.

However, in my soul, it’s much harder than I could have ever imagined. This past Sunday I could not, did not, even go to church. Think of this as a type of confession, I guess. It is the first time I have ever “skipped” church since I began attending the Orthodox Church. I have missed services due to travel or other odd/random obligations, but never have I hit the “off” button, and buried my head under a pillow until I knew it was too late to get up and go.

I think I’m ashamed of myself. I guess I should be, for allowing the behavior (or misbehavior) of men to dictate the way and the time I approach my God. But I did. And I guess I worry that I’ll do it again.

In some weird way, I feel like I’m a toddler trying to keep pace with the teens and adults in my family, without a stroller or someone to carry me. I don’t think I’m even the “youngest” Orthodox in our church, but for some reason, right now, I can’t seem to keep up.

Sorry for the whine fest. Forgive me, my brothers and sisters. And pray for me, for all of us.

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Author: Rebecca

Orthodox Christian. Writer. SAR K9 handler-in training. All three of those are deeply related.

6 thoughts on “Ahhhhhhhh!”

  1. I’m going to tell you what my priest told me – if you have moments when you just don’t feel like you want to be in church, don’t go. There are times when it’s better to just stay away rather than be there and dwell on all the reasons you didn’t want to be there in the first place.

    However, I’ve had mornings like that when I decided that I would just drag myself out of bed and go anyway, and I ended up feeling a lot better once I got there.

    And in the words of my husband (who isn’t Orthodox, btw), don’t sit there and beat yourself up when you decide not to go. Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to change it.

  2. Hey Bec, it’s me, your fairy godmother. We need to stick together. If we Orthodox truly believe that one of the many benefits of receiving communion is the sanctification, health, and salvation of our souls and bodies, then why not run toward it every possible moment? I love you and am praying for you. I hope you’re doing the same for me. I need it. Let’s lean on each other during this VERY trying time, even if it is sometimes a mere whine fest. See you in the back pew at 9:00.

    FGM

  3. I would just like to make a suggestion as to what might be a Jurisdiction you might want to look into. I was a Person who used to be part of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocies of America. But I got tired of seeing half the people in a parish being dissintrested in the Lord, and the other half viewing the Church as simply nothing more but a monument to the Greatness of Greek Civilization. So in my search for a new Parish, I eventualy settled on the OCA. I think it had to do a bit with the Priest I found at the Particular parish I ended up at, but I have noticed that in many of the OCA parishes they are concerned with the Faith and not ethnic ties, or political egos. So I hope you find a place where you will be wellcomed and that your progress in the faith will not be hindered.

  4. Hello, I have noticed the problems that you have had with the Church and your particular Jurisdiction, and I was hoping to propose a possible Jurisdiction that might be right for you. I used to be a member of the Greek orthodox Archdiocese of America. But I got tired of seeing mostly people who came only for the Coffee hour, or still others who viewed the Place as a Monument to Greek Civilization, it seemed that beyond the Priest, that I and perhaps a small hand full where there to worship the Lord. So I left and went looking for a New Parish. In my search I ended up in an OCA Parish. The reasons for that had to do allot with the Priest at that particular parish, but I also fell in love with the people in that parish, and as I have come to know of more OCA parishes I find that in general they tend to focus more on our faith and are very spiritually oriented, where as many of the other Jurisdictions get tangled up in ethnicity or with the Ego’s of those hire up. In short I know you probably already have a shortlist for your possible new home, I just am giving you a slice of what I have already gone thru in my struggles to find a home with in Orthodoxy and hope that it helps you.

  5. Aaah, I did not relize my first post did get posted, well sorry for the dubble post. Well I gues on the bright side you get to see two versions of the same story. lol.

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