Totally felt crazy tonight. And then felt very grateful for those people who choose to attach themselves to me in spite of all the fun I provide.
Tonight’s example: Had a totally enjoyable evening with the boyfriend at the Trion Tavern, the nifty little New Haven watering hole with the 20 taps. He is a really good sport, albeit a lover of wimpy beer (read Miller Lite), and let me pick his brew: Kostritzer Lager. It scared him with its impenetrable blackness but rewarded his bravery with its surprising crisp taste. I had a Three Floyds Pride and Joy ale, a sentimental favorite.
He bought me dinner. I bought him beer. He let me beat him in a game of pool, put up with the guy next to us smoking a nasty cigar and did not make fun while I sang along to Bob Marley and told stupid court stories.
How did I reward Mr. Patient? Why, I spent the entire drive back to downtown Fort Wayne yipping to my dear Republican about the evils of the Bush administration. I mean to tell you, I hollered. He was so kind, even then: leaning on his arm, his rolling eyes hidden behind his Oakleys while I grew red faced over the deficit and the Iraq war.
It occurred to me that he may not want to hear all that, at that volume, as I pulled up next to his truck.
Me: I am so very crazy.
Me: Oh jeez.
Him: Eh. It’s OK. I still love you.
One of the most amazing things about this relationship (and I’m sorry to gush here) is that it never, ever occurred to me before I got myself healthy(er) and then risked this, that you could actually be yourself in a relationship. And just maybe, there would be another person who wouldn’t want anything more from you than that. I never saw that in my home: that emotional safety to just be, even if being is ridiculously silly or passionate about the absurd (beer, politics).
God made us for relationships, to be in community with others. That was a very difficult thing for me to learn. But I love how much I have grown in this relationship already. I love that already I’ve taken much more out of it than I ever expected. I have had really good friendships that did that for me in some ways, but this is a totally different thing. I like this thing.
Sorry. Didn’t mean to get too mushy.